The last four and a half months have felt like some of the longest of my life. Not to mention the most exhausting and painful.
They’re up there with professional difficulties, the deaths of my beloved grandmother and father, affairs of the heart and physical illness (including an illness so severe, back in the winter of 2011, that I was on the point of death).
October 7th has shaken me to the core. For days after the Hamas attack on Israel’s kibbutzim, my horror was so deep I could barely speak. I felt as if someone had hit me over the head with a hammer - I didn’t sleep, I barely ate, it was hard to function at any level. One of the victims murdered was a woman I had worked with a few years previously. One of the hostages taken was my friend’s sister (now.,thank god, released).
‘Bring Them Home Now’ banner in central Tel Aviv
All the while, I understood that but for the grace of God, it could have been me raped, mutiliated, tortured, set on fire or kidnapped.
Being abroad at the time was in some ways even harder for me because I felt so ‘removed’ from the situation on the ground. When I finally returned to Tel Aviv, a part of me felt more settled psychologically but - quickly - there were new challenges to face. Sirens blaring. Non-stop ‘war news’ on all tv channels. Meeting friends (when I could face it) and trying to make light conversation, but failing.
As time has passed, my burning white anger has turned to despair. I am depleted - mentally frazzled and physically exhausted. I sleep poorly and pick at my food. As I wander the streets of Tel Aviv, I am confronted by pictures of the hostages that remain in Gaza and they haunt me at night, when I switch off my light.
And I’m furious too, with my own government, particularly my Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu, who I couldn’t stand long before last October, but who now I have come to despise.
“Bibi Go Home’ - protestor outside the Knesset Israeli Parliament in Jerusalem
I realise, with horror, that in his determination to stay out of jail (because once the war is over, he and his cronies will be kicked out of government, he will stand trial on corruption charges and most end up behind bars) means we could be fighting in Gaza for months longer, if he has his way.
Personally, I have come to think it’s an unwinnable war (not the most popular opinion in Israel, but nevertheless it’s my belief). Not to mention that it’s a war that’s going to cost Israel dearly in the court of public opinion.
Liberal Jews like myself are increasingly distressed by the loss of life in Gaza, with tens of thousands of civilians (as many as half of them children) already dead. Now disease and famine beckon. And all the while our hostages are languishing in tunnels.
My head is hurting with the politics of this - displaced Israelis (in the north and south of the country) and displaced Palestinians.
I am depleted.
After two weeks of major paralysis (following a massive panic attack,after watching six hours of news in one day) I take a long walk on my local beach and come to a decision.
I must leave- and not return to Europe (the simple option). I have to get out of my comfort zone, strip my life down, clear my head, find some mental clarity. I need to hit the road.
Hilton Beach, Tel Aviv, at sunset
I decide I should visit places I’ve never seen before. It’s a toss up between India (my great love) or South East Asia. If I choose India, it will be the east of the nation I will explore (I’ve already journeyed extensively through the north,west and south). If I choose South East Asia, it will be the north of Thailand, Laos and Vietnam (I’ve already seen Indonesia, Malaysia and the stunning southern Thai beaches).
Eventually I realise it doesn’t matter because wherever I land, it will be a ‘reset’. A chance to clear my head, wander unfamiliar streets, see new sights, eat unusual foods and explore local supermarkets (something I love doing when I’m on holiday).
I don’t even need a plan. I can make it up as I go along.
That’s it. I’ve decided. A one-way ticket to Bangkok, courtesy of Emirates Airlines. From there, who knows? I’ll have a backpack, a day pack and my MacBook for writing; I’ll carry some cash and a credit card. I need nothing but the bare essentials - after all, anything I forget I can buy along the way. I am spiritually depleted but this, I am sure, is not permanent.
I press the ‘ready to book’ button and within 20 seconds I have it - a confirmation code. And just like that, I understand I’m off on another one of my solo travels.